I was 5 months pregnant, getting ready to have my ultrasound to reveal the sex of my first baby. The Ultrasound technician placed the cold, gel, on my belly. “Wow, your baby is really active, he or she is doing somersaults in there.” As the technician tried to move the monitor around my belly to get a good shot, I saw what looked like a penis on the screen.” No, it can’t be.” I thought to myself.
Finally, after what seemed like 15 minutes, a few seconds later she announced, it looks like you are having a baby boy. I was so disappointed. I really, really, wanted a baby girl. Since this was going to be my only child, (so I thought) I went home and cried a few tears. I recall my grandmother saying after I told her the news, “well, you have to accept what you got.”
She’s right I said, I should accept what I have. Then feelings of guilt settled in. There are many women who wish they could have a baby. I should be grateful and hope that I deliver a healthy, baby, boy.
I examined my feelings. Why did I want to have a girl so bad? After exploring my state of mind, the truth was, I was scared. I felt I will fail at raising a son. Young boys have so many distractions and enticements to lead them down the wrong path. They are more of a challenge to raise and I did not want to fail him. I did not believe I would have a close bond with my boy as I would have with a girl.
I had witnessed young boys, whom I knew were taught to follow a favorable path. Their parents tried hard to keep them on the right road but as the boys grew up they choose a rough, negative, road. I felt raising a boy would be more difficult. Unbeknownst to me, I had developed a undesirable image of young boys.
My baby boy was born. He was healthy and perfect. I loved him before I met him. As he grew, I was surprised at how closely we bonded. We have the kind of relationship where he feels comfortable telling me anything. I constantly reassure him that I love him no matter what.
To my surprise, he is a thoughtful, considerate, and understanding soul. I could not have asked for a better introduction to parenthood. He certainly changed me for the better. He is one of my best friends, my teacher, of course my student, and one of the biggest loves of my life.
I learned stereotypes and fears we all have them. In hindsight, it was senseless of me to think I would not have a close bond with my boy. He came from me and there is no closer bond then our heavenly father. We must open ourselves to “accept what we got”, enjoy our journey and live each moment with an open, unbiased heart.
Written by : Rochella Neely
“an open book”
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